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Post by rhiuss on Dec 29, 2015 4:17:46 GMT
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Every day is a good day because every day I have a chance to capitalize on yesterday.
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Post by The Orlando Gray on Dec 29, 2015 17:40:53 GMT
Sure, but can you copy and paste it here? I like to listen to the story, via test-to-wav, before I read it through.
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Every day is a good day because every day I have a chance to capitalize on yesterday.
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Post by The Orlando Gray on Jan 4, 2016 20:16:26 GMT
Would replace "Kakashi figured" with an action. Like maybe he sighed and then stated he figured. Or possibly: "How about half?" He said all while knowing it wouldn't be possible.
Would replace "He scratched the back of his head nervously. Honesty may give him at least a few months." With "He was nervous, Kakashi scratched the back of his head. As he thought of a way out, he figured honesty would buy him a few months."
"Kakashi lowered his eyes... not retyping ...golden hue." This sentence seems strange to me. It may be because I don't particularly look at shades or colors.
"The only object... not retyping ...enough to open." You should start off by saying "It was the only object..." For a second, I thought the dialog had continued even though I saw the quotation marks. I would put a period after "his father had left him" and get rid of "and that". You put two sentences in one. The second sentence should be something like "Before, Kakashi hadn't the strength to open it."
Another comma here and a misspelled word "any loose threads in your life, and come back a whole man." This is just my suggestion, but after that sentence, I would put "The Hokage put emphasis on her last few words. "Hatake Kakashi would need to heal himself first." This is an example of telling and not showing. I would remove it or replace it with someone on the lines like "Hatake Kakashi was relieved to hear he could get away for three months."
"Just one month... not retyping ...rebuild her own." This sentence is pretty long. If could find a way to shorten it or you could, and I suggest this option, get rid of this and "ever seen and she had" This was confusing to me "there is one roach, there are many."
Comma here "run away, I need you" Would replace "Shizune had saved" With Shizune had stored".
These are a few correction suggestions that I have for this sentence ""Nope." The mountain of paper trembled as she closed another drawer. I'm having you sign it right now. You'll perform an executive order to make it official. We'll just keep this between us. But if you try to hide from me, I will find you and drag you back here with an entire ANBU squad."
This is my suggestion here "Kakashi was wise enough not to entertain the thought."
Would get rid of "So think..." and put a period here "to be. Because..."
"Well, it's not like he hadn't already thought about it." If this is the narrator's voice, then it's an interesting one. I never anything like this in writing before unless it's expressing a personal opinion. No criticism though.
Final Thoughts This seems to jump right into the action, which is not a bad thing. Even though it's not my preferred method, you pulled it off well. There isn't much to say here. Storywise, you set the story up pretty good. We know who the characters are, we know what they are talking about and it sets us up for the first chapter. Good luck with your story. If you want me to read and or critique more of it I'm at your disposal. Although, next time, will you please copy-and-paste the story onto the site. FanFic.net doesn't allow you to copy the text and to paste it on here which is something I do often. Thanks for joining. I hope you enjoy your stay.
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Post by rhiuss on Jan 4, 2016 22:32:27 GMT
Thank you! I know it was the holidays and it gets messy during those times, so I really appreciate you taking the time to go over this. Seriously wish I would have found you before I published the story, I'm still running around looking for a Beta so this site is a huge help in the mean time. I'll definitely post the actual chapter next time (really sorry about my noobness) and I'll get on making the changes as soon as I get a chance. All the luck to your site as well, hopefully you get a lot more people to help and I'll try to stay active as well. It's a really wonderful idea.
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Every day is a good day because every day I have a chance to capitalize on yesterday.
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Post by The Orlando Gray on Jan 4, 2016 23:46:17 GMT
Thank you for the heartfelt comment. I dont get many of those. I'll be happy to read any story you post.
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